something for me

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Once upon a time, after a sesshin, or Zen retreat, I was talking with a fellow student. He was agitated and in the midst of his conversation he said (in words that anyone who has been to a sesshin might appreciate), "There's got to be SOMETHING for me!"

Of course Zen practice does not point to "something for me," some prize, some relief, some ... some SOMETHING for me. But coming face to face with the facts of the matter is different from talking casually, philosophically or 'spiritually' about it. My friend's words were a cri de coeur, a cry from the heart.

I had no words of comfort to offer. Hell, I was in the same boat: I too wanted, in whatever wily ways, something for me in a world that seemed to point towards nothing-whatsoever for me.

Well, when you put it in words, it sounds sexy or philosophical or unimaginable: Not only is there nothing-for-me, in Zen practice, there is not even nothing-for-me.

I'll let others mutter about the illusory nature of the ego ... that's probably something for them.

I have to go to the bank and get some cash.

It's something for me.
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