as if you owed a million dollars

In Zen, I once read the encouragement, "practice as if you owed a million dollars and had no way to pay it back."

Today, via this blog, I received two donations -- one for $100 and one for $1.88.

These were gifts.

Gifts I have no way of paying back.

I don't personally know the men who made them, though I know them to differing degrees via the Internet. Somehow, I would like to know them personally and face-to-face so they could see for a fact how much I would like to repay what I cannot.

It is a matter of practice, from my point of view -- learning that giving, which I enjoy and do when I can, is the same as receiving, which I do poorly: I can say the socially-acceptable thank-you's, but in my heart, I can't imagine what might have prompted such generosity. Certainly I can use the money: A fixed income insures that state of affairs. But beyond that there is something more important.

So I will practice and perhaps one day be able to stop fidgeting about giving and receiving.

A million bucks! Where am I going to get that sort of dough?

Practice.