donation thanks, donation confusion

Wriggling and squirming and seeking out words that seem just out of reach, I received a donation to this blog today. God knows I could use the money since a fixed income does not fare well in the face of Wall Street and Washington's manipulations.

But a donation truly leaves me speechless ... which doesn't stop me from writing about speechlessness, you'll notice.

My mind scurries and worries this largesse like a dog gnawing on a beef bone: On what basis do I deserve such kindness? I mean, it's not as if I had mowed anyone's lawn or built them a dog house or shored up their porch. This is for no tangible work or concrete bit of exchange. It's just ...

It's just a donation. Read 'em and weep. Once more I am forced to recognize that I do not do well when it comes to receiving gifts. Sure, I can say "thank you" and make other socially-graceful noises ... but inside, I am left confused. The confusion is hardly mitigated by the fact that I love giving gifts to others when I can. On what basis do I imagine implicitly that others might not likewise enjoy giving? Is an assumption that the world is parsimonious very sensible?

I really am grateful.

And, like a child caught in a sandstorm, I really am confused.

Live and learn.