help

A friend of mine shocked me once when he said, "You're the only guy I know who would give anyone the shirt off your back -- literally -- if asked."

Was I really like that? I honestly didn't know. I did know I had a long-standing habit of lending a hand where I could, based, I suppose, on a dysfunctional upbringing. The habit was and remains so ingrained that I take it as I might take a mole on some part of my body -- part of the landscape; it's too late now to do anything about it; and in general, it's probably better than the alternative. I can't really remember ever expecting anything in return: Helping, so-called, is just a well-woven or well-worn habit, neurotic or otherwise.

 But with the onset of age and the fatigue that goes with it, habits have a way of getting too weighty, too cumbersome and too unnecessary. Finding ways to lighten the load becomes a priority.

Lately I've had correspondence with a person who is endlessly needy. It's like talking with a drug addict who swears on his mother's grave that he will quit and who is sincerely contrite about past failures ... and then returns to the drug of choice: After a while, you begin to realize that far from being a help, you are being asked to be an enabler ... someone who cares about a person who has not yet decided to care for himself.

This is an excellent lesson for my habituation. After enough times of not wanting something in return, I am forced to admit I do want something in return ... to be in the presence of someone who cares for himself. Moreover, I dislike being played for an enabling daddy-figure. False starts are forgivable in any endeavor, but there seems to be a tipover point at which false starts become a self-indulgent way of life. And I want no part of it.

All of this brings me around to some vague recognition that the matter of "helping" needs to be addressed and, if possible, disposed of as extra weight. No more eyewash about compassion (which really does mean something when the boy-scout factor is stripped away). No more altruism which imposes a non-existent separation. No more merit badges .. if, perhaps, that desire exists.

I'm working on it.

I could probably use a little help, but, like anything else, I'm not sure how helpful anyone might actually be.

As far as I can figure out, "helping" is a two-edged sword, its cutting edges lying at the midpoint between blessing and curse.

Helping, on the other hand, is something no one can help.