And yet within this nave of spiritual life I think there is always one man or one woman -- way in the back, perhaps -- who asks without knowing answers, "is it true?" In this setting, this place of impassioned and well-coiffed agreement, the question has a heretical feel to it and thus is spoken where no one else can hear. Setting aside the fulsome agreements or snarky criticisms ... very simply ... as plain as a worm in a bottle of fine tequila ... "what if ... what if ... what if it were true? What would that be like?"
In "The Way of a Pilgrim," a Russian peasant -- a fellow in the back of the nave, so to speak -- is lightning-struck by the biblical injunction to "pray without ceasing." He really wants to know ... really, honestly, openly. He is willing to make a fool of himself in order to find out. He is willing to fail. And in this state of mind, with his tequila worm as company, he sets out. He sets out not because the adventure is worthy in someone else's eyes, but because ... because ... because he has to... because nothing else makes sense.
No one seems to know for sure if "The Way of a Pilgrim" is a true narrative or simply the conceit of some spiritual juggler. Like Jesus walking into the desert, it hardly matters ... or rather, it may matter to those who wish to compare clothes, but to the man or woman at the back of the nave of spiritual life, it's simply not relevant. It's just a beckoning, scary insistence. What if all this agreed-upon talk about being happy and at peace ... I mean really ... what if it were true and I could be happy?
Those inclined towards spiritual persuasions may nod like a bobble-head doll on the dashboard. Yes, yes, I understand what you mean; there are times when the clothes don't work any more, when I sorely wish I could nail things down to my own satisfaction. I wish ... and part of the reason I wish is that in the nave of spiritual life, it is an approved wish ... as long as you don't fulfill it.
A Russian peasant, Jesus ... these are spiritual-format descriptors. Spiritual institutions and the individuals who enjoy their realms ... both have fine clothes or snarky observations or bookshelves overloaded with ... well, whatever it is, it is kept well-dusted. But where the worm wriggles, where the question comes up clean as a hound's tooth -- where the child asks from a bare-naked and unadorned curiosity, "Daddy, why is the sky blue?" ...
The heart is open, the handholds disappear and all that is left is a strange determination ... your determination ... and it may have fuck-all to do with anything blithely referred to as "spiritual life." "Spiritual life" is just "life" with a bit of icing. Once, just once, wouldn't it be nice to know for sure, to know without a safety net, to know in a way that risks a palpable death?
Everyone is the man or woman sitting at the rear of the nave -- the whisperer of strangely insistent questions. And sometimes it is hard to hear the real question in the midst of the soaring hymns ... the toe jam of spiritual life.
The real question is not someone else's question. It is just your question -- the one that leaves you disarmed and yet determined. Perhaps the question arises on the tip of a pencil; perhaps it rises up with the discovery of lint in the bottom of a pocket; perhaps it jumps out like a child from behind the sofa; perhaps it comes calling after the last "amen" is sung; or perhaps it as obvious as the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.
No doubt about it. Wide open. For sure.
Your question... and a question to be honored as never before. Fuck the answers! I want the answer!
I hope you find your question.
I hope you find your answer.
I hope you are happy.
Keep your clothes closet neat and don't forget to get undressed before you take a shower.
The Way of the Pilgrim, and its companion volume, The Pilgrim Continues His Way, are favorites of mine, and an unending source of inspiration. Thanks for mentioning!
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
Bob -- Inspiration is so wondrously delicious.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, action leaves inspiration in the dust.
Since action follows from inspiration, it's essential to understand one's motives at all times, wouldn't you agree?
DeleteCheers!
Bob -- I suppose one does what one can.
ReplyDeleteI try to bring attentiveness to bear, but am a bit long in the tooth to imagine I could understand my motives at all times.
If someone actually could understand his or her motives at all times, would the need for sorrow remain?
Hmmm . . . I never thought of sorrow as a "need", but without understanding my motives, I am a prime candidate for conditioning programs beyond my knowledge or consent, and that would more than likely be cause for an inevitable sorrow.
ReplyDeletegenkaku, it has struck me more than once that if you were less addicted to cleverness you would be more insightful. As it is you constantly trip over your own need to please your internalized mom. The result is a thicket of views made more tangled by feeding them with fertiliser.
ReplyDeleteI might be wrong..but it looks to me as though not only are there more than one Anon...there is more than one Bob...?
ReplyDeleteHiya Pete! Actually, unless I remember to enter in my name/url, the post sig goes to the default blogger (google) name, mangled because of my apostrophized last name.
DeleteCheers!
Oh I see...Hi Bob.
DeleteIf you were less addicted to reading and criticizing Genkaku's writings, Anonymous, you might be more insightful and hopefully see how stuck you are in your compulsion. Your neurosis is obvious.
ReplyDeleteBob -- I agree with you that examining motives is a good idea and that without that examination, there can be a lot of unpleasant fallout.
ReplyDeleteBut perhaps you might agree as well that even the most careful examination of motives cannot assure that unpleasantness will not knock on the front door.
I am not suggesting that anyone give up the examination in frustration (fuck it! Since I can't nail things down with perfection, I won't try to nail them down at all). I am only trying to suggest that the nailing down of motivation be taken with a gentle grain of salt and that a peaceful outcome requires tools that emotion and intellect are ill-equipped to provide.
Hiya Adam, you wrote: "But perhaps you might agree as well that even the most careful examination of motives cannot assure that unpleasantness will not knock on the front door."
DeleteUnpleasantness is part of the tour package in this realm. The way we react to it will determine its degree of "sorrowfulness". It's all about identification in that respect.
Then you added, "I am only trying to suggest that the nailing down of motivation be taken with a gentle grain of salt and that a peaceful outcome requires tools that emotion and intellect are ill-equipped to provide."
Beyond emotion and intellect, it is sometimes helpful to return to the basics, for example, inquiring "Whose motives?" If one comes to a recognition of who and what they are, understanding one's motives is less of a mystery.