skulking ... a confession

The word "skulk" came up tasty as a bonbon on the mind's tongue today. "Skulk" -- what a good word.

"Skulk" is defined by an Internet dictionary as:

-- to move in a stealthy or furtive manner 

-- to hide or conceal something (as oneself) often out of cowardice or fear or with sinister intent

Looking back, I wonder sometimes how much of my life has found its meaning and safety in skulking ... in slipping from shadowed place to shadowed place ... in donning one cloak of invisibility or another as a means of fitting in or being seen as fit ... in carefully locking away what was vulnerable or uncertain or perhaps even a bit crazy ... of crouching behind the battlements of devotion or agreement because, after all, I too wanted to be part of the human party.

Skulking... seeking an invulnerability that was always just out of reach and therefore encouraged more ... skulking. Not that I wanted to be naughty or nasty especially, but rather that I did not want to be seen as out-of-synch. Using the shadows for cover, how much brighter I might be in the light! I kept secrets and an erect posture and, looking back, used up quite a lot of time.

The conformist and the non-conformist suffer from the same difficulty, i.e. that there is indeed a yardstick or arena of conformity. How else would anyone conform or not-conform if not by skulking?

And yet how grueling and fruitless the effort.

I say this now, but I did not say it then. I was too busy skulking.

There is no talking anyone out of this paradigm -- no spiritual antidote, no big pharma pill. There is just time and a recognition that being naked is not so bad, that catching up with the reality is a lot easier than it looks. And perhaps the greatest assistant in throwing off such skulking camouflage is the skulking itself.

Hiding in the shadows is like hiding in the light: What, precisely, could ever be hidden? Of course, this is easy to say, but all anyone needs to do is bang their head against the wall for long enough and the ease and pleasure at stopping becomes more apparent.

"Skulking" really is a nifty word. But being a word is enough. No sense in making it a reality.