newspaper column

This is a column I wrote that appeared in today's Daily Hampshire Gazette, the local newspaper:

NORTHAMPTON — Dear Santa: I know they’re illegal in my country, but they are not in others, and so what I would like for Christmas is a cellphone jammer.

I don’t know precisely what a jammer does, but if it will impose a loud screech in or garble the conversations of cellphoners within a 50-, 60- or 100-foot radius from me, that will do nicely.

I don’t plan to assume some autocratic posture and jam all and sundry in order to prove my impeccable and righteous manliness. What I would like to be able to do is remind the increasing number of drivers ahead of me at a red light to pay attention to the light.

And perhaps occasionally, I admit it, put an end to the endless — and invariably loud — conversations that shoppers can indulge in without paying attention to the navigation of their shopping carts. And maybe bus and airline passengers who need to talk — not about arrivals or departures, but just talk and talk and talk ... loud.

And maybe — but just maybe, mind you — some consideration could be given to the garrulous who lock themselves into the only public lavatory stall.

Yes, my request is a bit peevish in a season that can bestow joy, but ... well ... if something like 84 percent of the global population says it is impossible to live without a cellphone, you can see where there might be room for abuse. My sense of kindness forbids me to use the word “idiocy.”

I do wonder, in passing, whether giving everyone such a device would promote a more civil society. But I’ll leave that to the social scientists, who might ask themselves, “If marijuana is on its way to legalization, why not cellphone jammers?” I’ve been a reasonably good little boy this year, so I am hoping you will grant this, my only request.

Please use whatever leftover Christmas-gift credit I may have on your list to give to those who are honestly in need — as for example, to those served by the Daily Hampshire Gazette’s Toy Fund.

I’m a little long in the tooth for toys, but a cellphone jammer really would be nice.

And if you want a shot of whiskey to go with the cookies on the table, it can be arranged

Adam Fisher, a regular contributor, lives in Northampton.