Printed in the local Daily Hampshire Gazette yesterday under the headline "Whew, the recession is finally over."
By Jonathan Kahane
I've heard repeatedly on the TV and have read in the newspapers and magazines that The Great Recession is over.
Each time I get this information, I heave a sigh of relief, exclaim, "Finally!", and expect my financial situation to return to health within the following couple of minutes. I'm still waiting.
I can only suppose that everyone around me has recovered and I must be doing something wrong. I blame myself for not taking Economics 101 in college. Sometimes I blame my mother for throwing out all my baseball cards.
I have heard that often a person must reach rock bottom before one can begin to climb out of a bad situation. I tried this theory out the other evening by tuning into a Red Sox game. I watched them lose another heartbreaker in extra innings. It was 11:30 p.m. and I thought that surely I can't sink any lower than this.
Then, as if by magic, in support of the above-mentioned theory, the answer to my financial woes came to me loud and clear over the TV. A car dealer was exclaiming, "Save $7,000 by buying this Chevrolet."
Now I've heard of people claiming to have their problems solved by receiving a message from "above" or by having a vision, or by experiencing a dream. Surely, having one's problems erased by a car dealer must be a first.
It's amazing how one can get answers to seemingly impossible predicaments in the most curious ways. It would normally take me years to save $7,000 -- and then only if we had several winters where the average temperature was 60 degrees and if my refrigerator didn't continue to break down every month
I could barely sleep that night. I couldn't wait to get up and rush to the Chevy dealer to save my seven grand.
Naturally, I jumped out of bed at the crack of dawn the begin my new savings plan. On the way to the dealer, things got even better. There was a sign on the furniture store window telling me that I could save $500 if I bought a sofa. I made a quick stop.
In fact there were signs on every store informing me that I would save more money if I came in. Why hadn't I been aware of this before? Let's see, I saved $300 on a riding mower, $200 on a mattress, and finally $150 on that new refrigerator I needed so badly.
I then had to hurry to the Chevy dealer to save the big bucks. After saving my $7,000 and while I was driging home in my new car with a proud grin on my face, I stopped at the grocery store and saved an additional $6.73 on food. Every penny counts.
That came to a grand total in savings of $8,150.73 -- in one day! While accumulating all of this savings, I noticed that other stores could save me 15 percent on outdoor furniture, 20 percent on hardware supplies and 25 percent on a variety of online items. Heck, I can only save 1 percent at the bank. I got busy the next day adding to my savings. The is was alot easier than I thought.
Here it is a week later and I am feeling much more confident now about my ability to finally join the rest of my country and climb out of the The Recession. Hmmmm. Excuse me for a second. The sheriff is coming up my driveway. I wonder what he wants.