Perhaps it is only in times of discomfort that anyone might be willing to examine the deepest assumptions of the heart. Those assumptions usually boil down to "I like it" or "I want it," and there is nothing necessarily wrong with that.
What is mistaken is the unwillingness or inability to concede such assumptions openly and know that they are -- however correct -- just a personal preference and hence, in the end, unreliable.
Sometimes personal preferences are surrounded by gossamer arguments and proofs and defensive explanations and righteousness. Castles of 'meaning' reach to the heavens. And sometimes those preferences are entirely warranted given the circumstances. But without investigating the base line from which anyone might be operating, the result is confused and confusing and in constant need of repair.
Find the assumptions. Examine them, not with an eye to right or wrong, but with an eye towards honesty. Things work better that way -- however great the expenditure of courage. Or anyway, that's my guess.