Some child within can be positively raucous with the demand: I have worked so hard to assert and achieve and I want to know that somehow my efforts were not in vain ... when all along they were not in vain.
Except that the ways in which those efforts were not in vain can never be nailed down precisely. There really is no way to lay claim to them. Talk about nailing Jell-O to the wall! Their meaning and impact are never precisely what I intended ... which leads to redoubled efforts to assert and lay claim to the meaning and impact of my efforts. "Lookit me, Ma! I have meaning! I have not wasted my time! Gimme a gold star!"
This morning, for example, I received an email from a man who felt that my efforts in the past had really done him some good in the practice of Zen Buddhism. Naturally, I was pleased that I had done something that pleased someone else, but ....
But his note was premised on writing I had done ten years ago. Ten years ago? I can hardly remember yesterday's events, let alone know their impact and meaning. And the ways in which he found it useful seemed far from anything I found useful in the present. He wrote:
One comment you briefly made to someone back then still echoes in my heart. "Know only what you know and not a smidgen more."He was pretty firm and expansive about how this had helped him through the years. I was pleased for him. But I was not entirely pleased with me: How could I don the Medal of Impact and Meaning when the impact and meaning were hardly clear or convincing or useful to me?
Nailing Jell-O to the wall. True, I had interested myself in Zen Buddhism, sometimes in practice and sometimes in bloviation. True, I had taken it pretty seriously. And true, there were times when I had dearly hoped my words and actions would have Meaning and Impact. But this situation felt a bit like explaining to a child how to get dressed and the child came away full of awe and fascination about the intricacies of a single button and its button hole.
One man's Impact and Meaning is not another man's takeaway. Think of all the great efforts anyone might make, in any realm. Blood, sweat and tears ... and a deep longing to have Meaning and Impact. And sure enough, there is meaning and impact ... it's just not the meaning and impact you were longing to claim as your own. And the most frequent fallout from this recognition is to redouble the effort to find an assured Meaning and Impact ... to turn up the volume in hopes some Frenchman will thereby understand your English words. It doesn't work, but that doesn't seem to stem the tide of wanting to have Meaning and Impact... and a praise-worthy self.
I guess my takeaway from all this is that things are a little easier and a little lighter when I don't impose a necessity for Meaning and Impact. Who knows what will affect whom and how? It's like magic or something.
And since I can't know, the best rule of thumb I can think of is to correct the mistakes wherever and whenever possible: Might as well be as kind as possible when possible.
Who knows what impact and meaning that might have?
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