After a solid night's sleep (rare), I lay in bed for a few moments this morning and realized that nothing was wrong. Stomach, heart and other complaints that have taken me to doctors lately simply were not expressing their need for attention. To have nothing happening was 1. odd and 2. somehow boring. But not so boring that I didn't lie there and marvel for a while.
Funny how anyone might pray fervently for one thing or another and yet, when they got it, be so habituated to their acts of petition and complaint that, well, there was a sense of loss. Without something to strive for or complain about, who would you be?
It's a little like Martin Luther King's approximate observation, "It's not what's wrong with the world that scares people. What really scares them is that everything is all right."
Less politely, it's also like the old critique, "He's so dumb he could fuck up a wet dream."
Old habits die hard, but even if you can't plunge a dagger
into their heart, still you can examine the anatomy of the situation and learn a little something.
i shouldn't be revealing this, but i don't understand hence i speak.ReplyDelete
somebody told me that my appearance in this world is because of conception. somebody said by magical creation. somebody said by karma. somebody said nobody existed. somebody said question until you get an answer. somebody said please forgive.
i thought the last one made the most sense even though it couldn't be proven at all.
one day i was in deep meditation, and everything i saw was pitch dark. i thought that was it, i attained voidness, the so-called uncreate. i seemed to stay there for a while, then an image of my mother's boob appeared in front of "me". it wasn't me, it was just a-bright-boob-in-pitch-black. then i realised that i had to exit my meditation. it wasn't i wanted that boob. it's just that it was the only thing bright in that pitch dark. and somehow, when i contacted that image, everything which did not exist somehow appeared to exist.
haha haha. not funny.
respect. no respect. i did not wanted to save anybody.
yet my mother gave me a name and she called me by my name, and i seemed to hence, exist for no reason.
i didn't had to post this. but in my ignorance i felt that something summoned me from obscurity to just do it.
the internet is slow and draggy, and there's nothing to do. God made me do it. No, it was Wisdom. No.