The nut-brown doctor said this afternoon that she hoped it would take four to six weeks to winkle out whether a nodule on my right lung were cancerous and to do something about it.
Medically, she is forced into a worst-case-scenario mode and to assume that, though small and potentially-treatable, the nodule is indeed cancerous. It might turn out to be benign. This cancer template comes on top of a series of other heart-related treatments that currently need fine tuning.
Cancer. I may be in denial, but there is something quite factual in it.
But also, I missed my nap today, so I can't really muster the energy to be frightened or depressed.
I suppose a good night's sleep can rectify that.
I have a scar on one lung from an old embolism. I knew it was there but a doctor unfamiliar with my history saw it and began talking cancer and lung removal, etc. I eventually found an old x-ray that clarified it for him and he concluded the embolism scar was improved from what it had been.ReplyDelete
But the amazing thing, even knowing it wasn't cancer, to hear him speak of these things sent me into several days of feeling like i was on the best LSD ever. I felt no fear, and the entire world became so beautiful. There was nothing that was not perfect, and nothing that i wouldn't miss when i was gone, and so had to experience and absorb everything before this faux death took it from me.
And once he confirmed what i knew all along, it was over. The world became ordinary again. The entire experience was/is inexplicable and if i could bring it back and keep it i would be one happy camper.
My mother defeated breast cancer and was pronounced good for another fifteen years. But before that year was out she died of either pancreatic or ovarian cancer. The doctor said the only way to know which would be to open her up which he saw no point in doing as she'd die either way. So why put her through it.
I don't know what she'd say if asked, which was harder... surviving cancer or dying of it. The cure can be pretty miserable. Surgical removal isn't so bad, but the chemo to make sure nothing comes back isn't real nice. Cannabis brownies seemed to help mom.
Let's just hope a laproscopic biopsy proves it can be safely forgotten. Here we are, getting old and tired, and shit just keeps happening. I love you old son.