The following was lying around on my desk top. I can't remember why it was there or what I had planned to do with it, but if I put it here, I can take it from there and things become a little less messy....
BLOG-NAKED
When my mother died at 98 in 2015, she left a stack of
"journals" she had kept over the years. When I asked her, in earlier
times, what she wanted done with them, she replied, "Burn them." Her
answer brought me up short: So many thoughts, so many sorrows and joys, so many
large and small adventures, so many times the universe had collapsed and then
been reconstituted. Weren't these things important and worth preserving?
And when I asked why she had kept these journals at all, she
said, tongue somewhat in cheek, "How do I know what I think till I see
what I say?"
These days, I too have stacks of journals gathering dust in
the basement. And I too sense that what was once sky-rending in its positive or
negative impact is not so all-fired important. It's not that the universe is
indifferent or cruel: It's just that the universe takes a longer view and,
perhaps, has a better sense of humor.
There are 7000-plus entries on the blog I write in every day
of the week. It's just an old habit, contracted from my mother, perhaps. Mostly
it's just a bit of this and bit of that. But my old addictions are not so
important and that is probably the most important part of my latter-day journal
writing: I like and dislike things, but I would be a fool to imagine that my desire
to find out what I think would interest anyone else. The usefulness of the
entries -- at least as I assess it -- is to fill a three part need: 1. To
attempt to quantify what cannot be quantified (life) 2. To lay out my point of
view in such a way that whoever reads it can say, "Whoa Nellie! I'm not
that stupid!" and 3. To attempt to fulfill what I think of as a very human
drive to be as naked as no one can help but be.
One-time U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins once observed that
"meeting your favorite author is one of life's most reliable disappointments."
To come into communion with someone who has found a way to go naked and be
convincing about it is pretty damned exciting. It's 'just like me.' I am not
alone and lonely in the quiet times when nakedness may be overwhelming.
But the surprise and wonder has got a poor shelf life. How
interesting for how long can nakedness actually be? You're naked, I'm naked and
no addition of clothes or words written in a journal can change that. Hell,
bare-nekkid is just bare-nekkid and what's on display is hardly new or novel.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I slept out along one
branch of the
Westfield River
up around Worthington. As the night
came on, I lay in my sleeping bag listening to the chortling of the river.
Sometimes it was as if people were talking as the river flowed. The next
morning, as dawn began to light up the sky, I got up and walked upstream along
the rocks poking out of the river. And as I rounded one bend, up ahead by a
couple of hundred feet, lying on a big flat rock in the middle of the river,
there lay a naked woman. She lay on her back as the sun rose higher above the
hill across the flow. Soon the sun would touch and warm her. She was still and
so was I.
And then I pulled myself back. The beauty did not deserve my
interference, somehow, and I did not want the woman to be afraid. So I turned
my back to her, lifted a large rock and sent it crashing against other nearby
rocks. I kept my back to the woman and stayed that way to a count of perhaps
fifty. By the time I turned back, she was, as planned, gone.
There is naked and then there is naked. Even a person
dressed from head to toe with journal entries or blog posts can hide and hide
and hide some more. People get naked at their own speed and in their own time
and as the saying goes, "you can't push the river." Just because
anyone gets undressed does not mean they are naked. Just because they say
"naked" does not mean that nakedness can somehow be compassed and
explained.
But if you want to get to Carnegie Hall, the only real
option is to practice, practice, practice. Practice being naked long enough and
one day, quite by surprise, the nakedness will come out and dance. The practice
helps to get out of the way. To stop cloning BY cloning. To be real by being an
utter phony.
It's an odd business, being what anyone already is.