Wednesday, November 14, 2018

a mantle of irresponsibility

A strange and intrusive sense of irresponsibility has filled my lens since yesterday. I simply don't want to be responsible for things like doctor appointments, chores, cooking....

My whole life, I have probably done more than most to be responsible in little and large matters. Probably to a fault. But now... well, if it's that damned important, let it come to me. Let the phlebotomist make an appointment and come to my house rather than the other way around.

It's not an easy shift. A whispering sense of guilt exists. But I persist and, in flashing moments, I feel relief. What if they had a war and no one showed up? what if there were a responsibility and I simply didn't meet it? Childish, perhaps, but notice how relaxed kids can be.

Let's see how well it works after what preceded it worked, I guess, moderately but never perfectly, well. I am unwilling to allow others discomfort and yet, I suppose, that may be what I am, ipso facto, doing. Well, in the words of the poet, "fuck it."


  1. "What if they had a war and no one showed up?" Funny you should ask that, because the exact same question popped in my mind the other day, as I was reading your post about Washington's Press Corps. Almost posted it, before I gave it up with a "never mind" thought. Unlike press conferences though, war doesn't require one to show up. Sometimes, it comes knocking at your door. Like Pearl Harbour? And, these days, I live with the eery sense that a silent war has been upon us from the womb, long before we even "show up" to life. Real people - family, friends and loved ones - are being crippled and - like you - I believe going nowhere but back to dust or feeding worms when they die. But hey, don't get me wrong. I'm getting tired with this shit as well, so more and more I feel inclined with joining the ranks of those to whom the best next thing to do or say something is to sit still and wait for the next casualty to come knocking at my door, hopefully in a state where I can still play "doctor" and ease the suffering, rather than where the only choice left is to decide whether I will show up at the funeral... Or not. Tough days.

  2. Sounds like your former irrational behavior was better for you and yours than you current leanings toward really poor judgement.

    1. Care to expand, Andy? Irrational behaviour sounds like really poor judgement. What would you call "being rational" these days? Because, as it is, the only thing that I feel like doing is to go back to my ancestors land and relearn subsistence farming, though I cannot see how that will help much anyone but me.