It's Father's Day ... which leaves me a bit confused ... but I suppose I ought to have something to say about that.
My wife gave me a couple of nice chocolate bars and a card which said inside: "You are loved a lot!" The sentiment bowled me over, but it was part of the confusion. What for?
If anything, I have always felt pretty second-rate as a father ... although I admit I'm not exactly sure what a first-rate father might be ... just not me, I guess. I wish I had been better, but it's too late now. Wish I had done more, given more ... something better.
Based on my kids, whom I like as well as love, it was my wife who did the miraculous heavy lifting, so today, for me, is more a Mother's Day than a Father's Day. What a ballbuster! And she did it. I'm in the mix somewhere, but where, precisely, I'm not sure in ways I imagine a "better father" might be.
And I'm aware of my knee-jerk up-bringing that suggests 'measuring up' is not in the cards. It's neurotic crap, but it's the neurotic crap I'm stuck with. Now and then, I can out-smile it these days, but the low hum is there, making me wonder what in the world Father's Day might be or mean.
Someone knows, I imagine. It just doesn't happen to be me.
I always said i love kids, as long as they're somebody else's. So my life was littered with other peoples kids. Half a dozen step kids and several dozen foster kids. Be careful what you ask for. I was once brought a 6 hour old baby from the local prison and so became a mama. My respect for single mothers rose with my sleep deprivation.ReplyDelete
Hind sight leaves me wishing the kids i knew earlier had the benefit of what i learned and was able to give those who came later. The only one who sends me a fathers day card signed by her kids has reminded me of an unfortunate episode when i set out to intervene with her being a fussy eater. I very much regret having turned into my mother at the time. She forgives me in favor of the good things i accidentally did for her, though she clearly hasn't forgotten the event. lol I am very proud of her and offer adoration to her and the kids, as well as significant appreciation for the guy she married. They call me papa or papa charlie. And actually she was the first, so hindsight considered, i can only thank dumb luck for the outcome.