Sunday, July 14, 2013

the Purina diet ... again

Yesterday, because I saw my neighbor Joe pacing in front of his house, I knew he was probably hip-deep in his online homework for an accelerated class that will provide him with a certificate saying he can counsel elderly people, an activity he already does at his church ... but he wants a certificate that may allow him to increase his clientele.

The summertime course jams an entire year of study into a couple of months. Joe is retired and miles from having the classroom mental muscle to play the homework game, so the course isn't easy for him. We've talked about it a number of times and I have acted as an interview guinea pig for the essays he has to write.

Anyway, I saw him pacing outside his house, probably trying to shake off the tsunami effect of doing homework. And, rather than going across the street to talk, I sent him an email he later said he appreciated ... the Purina diet joke that has been on the Internet for a long time, but still makes me laugh. Joe emailed later that laughter really did lighten the load and I thought I'd repeat it again here ... what I wouldn't give to have thought of it!

When someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

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